10:45 a.m. - 2007-06-23
The Cock That Destroyed America
So . . .
I tried to mount a play, I failed to mount a play, I am working on developing a musical, I might be directing a puppet show, I am STILL trying to get a job, and I finally kicked the ASSHOLE MOTHERFUCKER in California to the curb after realizing what a MANIPULATIVE DIPSHIT he was. Details later. Moving on.
I would like to talk to you all about the awesome, terrifying power of my cock.
You may not think to look at it. It is average in size and scope. And yet, before its awesome power, the very government of the United States of America--the only imperial superpower left standing at the end of the 20th Century--trembles like frightened gerbil. Quake, government, before my penis. QUAKE!!!
What, may you ask, is the source of the stultifying power of my wedding tackle? Like any superhero, its origins are complicated and mysterious. Allow me to explain.
Recently declassified Pentagon documents speak of the kind of scientific efforts that would make a Bond villain piss his gold lame pants laughing. I mean, you thought Star Wars was dumb? Try The Gay Bomb. A bomb. That would make people gay. No, seriously, they were planning this. The idea was that the bomb would drop behind enemy lines, releasing a cocktail of chemicals (considering the projected effect of this weapon, I am guessing the cocktail in question was pink and served in a martini glass, THANKYOUI'MHEREALLWEEKTIPYOURWAITRESSES) designed to turn what one would presume to be a primarily heterosexual task force into a homosexual one, at which point the amassed batallions would drop trou and act out the final scene of Cock Commandoes 3 (which was better than 1, but not as good as 2). Because, as we all know, gay men can't go more than fifteen seconds without a johnson in every orifice.
Well, to be fair, I think they planned on including some sort of aphrodisiac in the mix--crystal meth is a favorite of my people--and so it would, perhaps, be unfair to assume that they thought we wouldn't be able to control ourselves. Actually, strike that, no. There is absolutely no way of getting your brain around an idea like that without hitting bigotry, stereotyping, ignorace, and a few hearty WTFs. Besides from the idea that all it takes is a few chemicals to make someone INSATIABLY GAY, it presumes that such a bomb would overcome centuries of social conditio--you know, I can't. It is so indefensible that I can't even attack it, I just need to wait for it fall over. But I will include one last joke: who knew that WMDS meant weapons of mass dick-sucking?
BTW, I call dibs on The Pentagon Gay Bombs as a band name. And if they DID develop a gay bomb, I totally want it dropped here in Austin, specifically on the radical enclaves. I'm sick of going to radical queer events and being one of like three boys. I want my tax dollars to work for ME, goddamnit, and that means more tattooed anarchists who want to spoon with me. Get on it!
In all seriousness, though, we can at least take comfort in the fact that this just some random military lab and not someone ACTUALLY running the country, right?
Except for the fact that a Repubublican congressman from Illinois named Mark Kirk has suggested shipping condoms en masse to Mexico to eventually stem the tide of illegal immigration.
Now, I . . . Jesus, this is making my brain hurt. OKAY. I am absolutely one for supporting sex education, and I could see someone admiring the bravery of a Republican congressman for breaking with abstinence only sex education. But that would require ignoring the fact that this fucker is saying that, rather than arguing to aid and support the Mexican economy so that there actually ARE job opportunities, rather than moving to penalize the corporations that EMPLOY the illegal immigrants, the solution this racist doofus comes up with is to get Mexicans to stop having so many babies.
In some ways, I appreciate the way it gets to the root of the problem of immigration, by which I mean the real problem: people are afraid of how an influx of immigrants will change the country. They are worried that it will no longer be predominantly white. And they have reason for that worry. The country probably won't be predominantly white for that much longer, unless global warming causes an ice age in Europe and all of Scandinavia moves here. Even then, though, there will no doubt be an influx of immigrants from Asia as well as Latin America. America has changed and will continue to change. There have been moves to stem the immigration of the Irish, of Italians, of Slavic people, of Jews, and of Asians. Yet all of these people are now part of what makes America beautiful, not to mention strong. The same thing will happen with Latinos if people just deal with it.
But, no, they have to get the Mexicans to stop popping out babies. Maybe they can drop a gay bomb on them?
So I figure that between the homophobia-fueled war machines and the anti-Latino racist fueled immigration policy, they must be pretty petrified of my pecker, what with it being gay AND Mexican. Sure, I may not be fucking women NOW, but at any point I and my brethren can simply pump out our Mexican super-jizz and impregnate thousands at a time using only an orchestrated attack of projectile turkey basters. And when your pathetic soldiers try to stop us, we will blow them! AND WE WILL LIKE IT!
I now think I am going to go to Washington DC and wave my meat and two veg around at lawmakers going "Gay Mexican Penis! Boogah-boogah-boogah!" until they give us universal health care.
Unfortunately, my powers will not work on the invincible shields of Elizabeth Edwards, who is the first potential-first-lady to visit a gay pride parade during a campaign. Curses! She will foil all my plans! She will defeat my all powerful gay Mexican penis!
God bless her.
